By Sylvia Abuwi
April 10, 2020
Posted Thursday May 21, 2020

I’m trying. Everyday. To be the woman I want to be. The mom I want to be. The wife. The friend. The sister. The caregiver. The person. And on so many levels I am. Being. Succeeding. That's the part I want to emphasize. The moments when I succeed.

However, I am slapped in the face by all the ways in which I am not. So I attempt to focus on the words, I’m trying

I try to soothe myself. I’m trying.

I'm trying to get into a schedule that allows time for the children's education. I’m trying to carve out a morning routine that helps set the tone for the day. I am trying to keep the children from fighting all day. I am trying to feed them healthy foods. I am trying to take them out for walks in nature so they gain an appreciation of its beauty. To reap the benefits of exercise. The benefits of Vitamin D. Of fresh air.

I think what I'm trying to do most, that seems like a failure is I am trying to be happy and playful and jolly through it all. I don't like spreading my sad or bored or angry or worried vibes. I want to shield the world, more importantly my children, from my moodiness. I want to demonstrate with my face and my tone that they are loved and that they are worthy of love and respect and happiness. 
But how can I keep that up when I have to drag their tails all the time? When I have to deal with the eye rolls, the angry faces, the sighs, with disobedience all day? 

I’m trying to be calm for them.

Maybe the solution is to stop trying. To no longer believe that their experiencing the full range of my emotions is a bad thing; but a good thing. Afterall, the only reason I am so bothered by it is because I think my full range of human emotions is hurting them. But it's not. 

I can dig into my personal beliefs and accept that there is a war on moms. Making us feel like we are the cause of everything that goes wrong in another adult person's life. Right now I am taking the sting out of that outdated belief. I am to accomplish this by no longer believing that my parents are to blame for my faults or shortcomings. I take full responsibility and I give my children permission and strength to take full responsibility for themselves as well. 

If they are touching rails amidst a damn pandemic, and then acting like I’m wrong for being worried, that's their damn fault not mine. When I am no longer in a jolly mood after the battle it took to get you out of the house and out of your grumpy mood. So be it. If I am tired of the constant power struggle. Oh well. I am not a robot I am a person with a wide range of feelings.

What I can do is try to ease away from anger, depression and shame as quickly as I can; but I am not going to beat myself up over being human.

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